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25 January 2005 @ 11:23 pm
body dysphoria.  
had a long conversation in fits and starts with one of my oldest friends tonight. we always seem to grow in the same direction and tonight was no different. we talked about gender(ing).

i feel like my insides are some sort of balloon being filled to exceeding capacity, well, i feel like the walls of that balloon. stretched, tighter and tighter. not like the bursting is inevitable, in fact, this feeling isn't about the impending burst, its about the stretched skin feeling. and the increased pressure (pounds per square inch) that i'm feeling relative to gender.

talking with people about things makes them real. having people in the Leather community ask me which pronoun i prefer. that makes it real. having little kids ask me whether i'm a boy or a girl. makes it real. dysphoria with my (fe)male body makes it real. that feeling like i want to run and cry and hide and scream, kick, fight when someone calls me a "girl" or "woman" makes it real. the trans folks i meet that i feel some sort of kindred connection with. well, they make it real.

most of all, feeling someone desire me in a female body and noting the immediate eruption of discomfort that causes in my psyche. that makes it real.

and i come home, hoping to escape in reading for school. and, thanks to E&E, the chapter i'm supposed to read next is: "Gender Nonconformity"... obviously, there is nowhere to hide any longer. and, apparently, E&E think i have the resources to deal with a little bit of this now.

i'm not so sure i agree.

Current Mood: all kinds of fucked up.
epiceneoneepiceneone on January 26th, 2005 04:22 am (UTC)
While I have known many people who have transition it still means the struggle very real when I hear these stories. I am butch. Always have been and very comfortable in that identify. However, I could not imagine how hard it must be to feel you were born into the wrong body. To struggle with something that is as basic as gender is a very hard struggle. But, the good thing is that the medical community is opening up as well as "some" pockets of society to those who have gender issues.

Good luck with fighting this battle.

boiswillbeboisboiswillbebois on January 28th, 2005 06:09 am (UTC)
:) thank you for your compassion... at least this morning, i'm in a space where i'm just trying "to not think about it."


Psstt... :) Good to hear from you! I was worried you'd fallen off the face of the planet...
epiceneoneepiceneone on January 28th, 2005 06:34 am (UTC)
Did you not get the email I sent you Tuesday I think? In reply to the one you sent back to me?


If not please let me know and I will resend it.
epiceneoneepiceneone on January 28th, 2005 10:38 am (UTC)
Wanted to give you yet another hug...


that raucous femme dykepegsioux on January 29th, 2005 07:20 am (UTC)
Per your request ;)
boiswillbeboisboiswillbebois on January 29th, 2005 08:45 am (UTC)
Re: Per your request ;)
thanks! :) nice pics...