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22 October 2008 @ 11:21 pm

To the next person who dislikes me,
let me say it’s true a person needs enemies,
and I’m sure you could be a great one,
one who thinks of insults while ironing silk,
one who is never wrinkled.
I’m sure I could stick it to you,
since I’m funny and you’re not,
since I can scowl better than a barbecue grill.
Listen, Katherine tells me about her enemies.
She says they’re like sweat in a Carolina summer,
spilling down your skin when you pick up a Coke.
She says sometimes they’re more fun than eating chips.
She grins and says, Soon one will come around
for you, like my teeth rounding this apple.
The best apple I ever had was like having perfect teeth, it was like
comparing an apple to something instead of fucking eating it.
I’m guilty—I compare things to you too.
You could be a person or you could be an apple.
You could scorn me quicker than cavities.
I don’t want to place insults next to you,
I want to think of a celery stalk and say you are like it,
but not in an insulting way,
and just think about it for awhile—
You are a sliver,
you are a chessboard,
you are a trampoline, you are—
I don’t know, but I say this all to stall awhile,
I say this all with my barbecue scowl that’s now a grin.
You are outside my house about to ring.
I am standing in my bathroom brushing my teeth.
Before you touch my doorbell and before we meet,
I should feel something for you
because I still can,
and I think I can’t go anywhere and neither can you.
Top 10 Things to Do Instead of Writing Your Grant Proposal
[a.k.a. the things i do to procrastinate, by d. vrana]

1. Google image search hot people whom you may someday meet and create unnecessary awkwardness and recognition when you finally meet them. Look at a number of photos, to determine what they must look like on a bad day.

Or, conversely, plan your own first Faculty Photograph. Cultivate a sense of indignation and interruption about it all.

2. Google image search yourself and find out that you are credited for authoring a book that you didn't know you'd get credit for co-authoring! See Quimby's Online Retail store and Zine Yearbook #9!

3. Perfect your Last.fm radio station, after all, it gets better the more you listen! Marvel at how Saves the Day somehow ended up on your Weakerthans radio station. Really. Suffer freshman year of undergrad flashbacks.

4. Crave coffee at midnight and weigh the pros and cons. Settle for water because it is like proto-coffee.

5. Think of all the fun everyone else is having rollerskating at Skate Land.

6. Plan your readings course, course schedule, lectures and syllabus for next semester.

7. Play the online bookseller historiography game!

8. Idle contemplation: how to better reach your students, a new hairstyle, things to fix on your bicycle, and the potential connection between the three.

9. Drink a lot of water and urinate excessively.

10. Procrastinate on writing in your blog by opening as many tabs as your browser will allow and fill them with useless shit.