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15 December 2005 @ 11:31 pm
i feel like isolating. i don't really want to do anything other than work and school and family.

i'm terrified about grad school. getting accepted, that is.

i got an A in my graduate reading seminar. :)

i'm trying to not smoke. again. today is/was day 2.

i'm confused about becca stuff. i missed her alot today. as in, almost called her to talk about figuring out how to be together. i didn't do this. but i'm still confused. bleh. why can't she be certifiably nuts like some of my other exes? it makes them easier to "get over"... AND even if we were to try to work some sort of something out, i don't think i can trust her, cos i feel in my gut like she's been shit-talking me... or participating in shit-talk... or whatever... regardless, i don't feel like i can trust her. and why should i want to be with someone who i suspect of saying mean things behind my back. that's no good.

i have this crush & we made out the other night. and it was nice. and i'm uncomfortable around him because of his overwhelming male-ness/masculinity... i feel really faggy around him... and part of it is the lack of T or op-ness in my life... but i don't know how to act with him in a more-than-buddy sense...because i feel my boyish queen-ness coming out... it's not girly-ness. i don't feel like a girl around him. but i am distinctly aware of my inner (outer) queen.

i miss kate in PA and robyn (from PA) in CA a lot in this moment for some reason. i *heart* them both.

i want a girlfriend/boyfriend/grrrlfriend/boifriend/friend/partner-in-crime/fuckbuddy/comrade...

i have this ideal in my mind of going to grad school and meeting someone in my program, or not in my program but doing related work (say maybe someone doing research on labor in American history), and falling in love on a multitude of levels then getting all partnered up and both being Profs and living this wonderfully stimulating life together where work and research and learning and love and sex and laundry and travel are all intertwined.

i'm going to graduate from college soon. wow.

i'm also really aware of my own self-destructive patterns. smoking is an obvious one. but what about fear of intimacy? what about jealousy as a tool to push myself away from people? what about a false sense of self-sufficiency? what about distorted sense of the word 'rely'?

i need to call frank. asap. is 11:39 pm too late to call someone with a newborn.

yeah, that's what i thought.

most untrue song lyrics ever: "i am a rock. i am an island... and a rock feels no pain. and an island never cries..."

Current Mood: caught up in dream-times...
Current Music: waiting for shakira on letterman...