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19 April 2005 @ 01:23 am
i don't have anything to say tonight that i haven't already said a hundred thousand times today. but i'm excited. i can't wait. i hope all goes well, but i have faith that all will go as it should. mostly, now, i'm just excited. i hope she's goofy & that i can picture piggy-back rides. if she's not silly and playful, with, of course, a good dose of bodyfunk *hehe* it could never, never, never work.

bleh. it's the not knowing that kills me.

i feel emotionally hungover.

i'm scared that i'm misreading signals and my fragile little ego and my sense of (false) pride will be shattered. as stupid as it is, that's my fear:

1. that i was wrong and misread signals & she's feeling actually very platonic.
2. this would mean that i am not as perceptive as i hope i am
3. a number of people know that i dig her and if she didn't dig me back, i would, actually, be kinda embarassed.
4. i actually like her and am interested, so if she's not interested back, that sucks.

body funk. body funk. i *heart* body funk because today i played "beach volleyball" on the lawn, football in the parking lot and ran my 5 miles. i have some phenomenal body funk and i love it. it's too bad i'm def. gonna need to take a shower for tomorrow, cos i smell goooooodddd gawddammit!

/just a pickle.
Current Mood: 1 part silly, 2 parts anxious
Current Music: "israelites" (yes, the vintage reggae song)
19 April 2005 @ 01:31 am
i think i'm gonna try to gauge my ears again tonight. just the bottom-most hole to a 12. this is how this boy medicates - workout, wrestle, drink black coffee, get new piercings/gauge old piercings... it's a damn good thing i haven't discovered the wonders of tattooing yet.

i'll keep you posted.

Current Mood: predatorymedically qualified.
Current Music: "harder they come" jimmy cliff
19 April 2005 @ 11:49 am
dude, sunbathing is the shit.

- reggae on the headphones
- sunbathing on the bench
- classes cancelled

i am delivered.

quote of the day:
"U.F.O. = unidentified flaming object"
19 April 2005 @ 05:45 pm
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

How simple it is to forget these things that keep me safe and sane. The past few hours I have been in a self-constructed mental prison without any light of reprieve, beside a few forgotten moments of bliss where I forget the Self. Self forgetting. Wow. I have been such a self-driven being recently and it's tough. The most difficult way for me to live is to be absorbed in my Self, which is mostly reigned by fear, attainment, ego and static. The reality is: we are all God's kids and there's this mini-poster I have on my wall that is this Gestalt prayer that basically amounts to...

You are you and I am I. We are travelling distinct roads on our life-journey - if these roads happen to meet - for a short time or a long time - it is a beautiful thing. if not, it can't be helped.

Abundance. And faith in fear - i.e. fear is faith, an inverted faith, a faith that all will go exactly wrong. And faith in abundance is faith that all will work out exactly as it should, in the time that it should. Not a second sooner, not a second later.


19 April 2005 @ 10:30 pm

I do my thing
and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to
live up to your
expectations, and
you are not in this world
to live up to mine.
You are you and I am I,
and if by chance we find
each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't
be helped.

(Frederick S. Perls)
19 April 2005 @ 10:34 pm
*sigh* so, i have this crush. at school. and i found out tonight that she has a girlfriend but for beautiful poly reasons, that does not necessarily preclude any funstuff between the two of us... (note: i don't know if she's interested. my gut senses a vibe, but who knows...)

and, the more i thought about it, the more i realized:
i do like her. she's great. and i'm def. attracted to her. a lot for some crazy reason. but most of all, what i want is her approval. again, i was trapped today in this quest for approval. as if somehow knowing that i had gained her affection or interest or what-the-fuck-ever would make me a better or more worthy person.

hmm... can we say indulgence in old thoughts and ways... ???

the truth is that i respect the shit out of her. i think her awkward craziness is really cute, but mostly i respect her a lot and want to get to know her better. i'm crushing for her friendship as much as her physical (etc) affection. i want to call her on the phone and be like, "dude, the funniest thing just happened..." or see her name pop up on my phone. that's what it is as much as anything, really, at this point.

i think there's something fundamentally common to the both of us - there's some reason why we keep connecting. i can't even begin to conceive of what form that reason might take. that's, simply, not my job. that's not my work. not my side of the street. not my area of expertise or experience. it could be something as simple as someday she could really need someone to pet-sit while she went on her honeymoon and it just so happened i could help her out in a pinch OR maybe she'll hook me up with a sweet job a few years down the line OR maybe we'll perform radically wonderful poetry together... etc... i think you understand where i'm going with this.

what it comes down to is this:
1. my little boy ego skinned his knees...
2. my bigger boy ego bruised his pride...
3. my boy ego got defensive and flippant...
4. my faggy man ego processed and processed and processed and processed and...
5. my self let go of ego
6. i bought some time to widen my lens and shift my focus.
7. eileen provided the lens.

i had to zoom out in order for things to become clear again. without context, things ceased to make any sense. that's the damn problem with deconstructionism.

the good news is that i can breathe again. and the best news of all is that (as it is right now) i'm having coffee with someone on monday whom i really respect and have a genuine interest in... who knows what'll happen... that's for next monday. not this current tuesday.

but what i can bring to the proverbial table this time that i wouldn't have been able to had we met for coffee earlier today is a more clear knowledge of my goals/motivations/desires/wishes for our interaction. i'll have a better sense of where i'm coming from and be more grounded and, duh!, more mature in our interaction. i'll be able to be more true to myself.

that's who i want people to meet, anyway, ya know... i really don't want anyone to meet my false-Self anymore, because then if they like me or dislike me, well... no one could really know, cos they weren't really meeting me.

my friend, j, said over a year ago something that (paraphrased) meant:
"you know, more and more, i don't really care what people think of me. i care what i think about myself."

the problem with me today was that i felt like shit about myself. and my actions. and my reactions. and worst of all, i felt like shit about my feelings. yuck.