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12 April 2005 @ 12:32 am
i totally came out to my mom as trans tonight. it was beautiful. she was so sweet. and i told her about my concerns in talking with her because i know of her psych background and i didn't want her to psychologize me. and her advice was, brilliantly, to just do the next thing in front of me - ie. finish this first degree and then make decisions about other things. she astutely pointed out my age and how i have all the time in the world to make any changes. and she cuddled with me on the couch the entire time i talked with her. she wasn't surprised or horrified or anything. she thoughtfully listened to me describe how its difficult to come out, again, older and without any substances to shovel over things. she didn't call me "she" for the rest of the night (nor does she ever, really)... she talked with me about finding a shrink, agreed that head shrinking was a good idea right now because i can take action without taking any rash action, and asked if i knew of anyone really good. and we talked about if insurance will cover it & finding someone who will.

we ended our conversation with a hug and me offering to help her off the couch, after talking about and comparing our weirdly shaped genetically odd toes and stating how "toes are weird, gender is weird..." and something else was "weird", but i forget what it was.

i came out to my mom. it was so not hard. it was less melodramatic than coming out as queer. and she seemed less surprised.

my words were something like, "you know, i've just been in that "Q" space again in the alphabet soup and not "Q" in the G, L, or B areas... in the T area..." and i went on to talk about how it wasn't really surprising to me or anyone else. how it makes sense. how its scary and i'm not tickled with any set of actions right now. how it would be so much easier if i could just hide it under a bushel of drugs and alcohol. how i know i have to work through it because this is why i got sober.

unfuckingbelievable. it was just that RIGHT TIME that i kept waiting for.

Current Mood: i love allergy season.
12 April 2005 @ 11:45 pm
god, when all else fails just surrender to raging hormones. i swear, not a day goes by that i don't add another person to my "to do" list... *sigh* i met another fabulous person today. well, i'd met her before, but we talked today and, i think, connected on some key stuff. we'll do coffee sometime soon, that's the idea anyway...

sometimes i feel like i live my life in between lusts, whether over people or things or ideas or knowledge or whatever. its those in between times when i'm in the moment and showing up and present where i'm living...

alive moments today:
- talking w/ meg at caribou coffee
- talking w/ new crush at skool (before i had reflected enough to realize that this person had been upgraded to 'crush' status)
- reading a piri thomas novel
- reading some folks' lj posts
- listening in afro-latino history lecture
- talking w/ adrienne, leaving the meeting

*sigh* pride alliance meeting was on abuse. holler. oioioi! i'm realizing the fullest extent of my striving for emotionally unavailable folks as a defense mechanism whereby i can be entertained by lust and attainment but remain "safe" and comfortably distant from people. i'm also realizing that this is shit & nothing more than some bad information that i told myself and then reinforced over and over. i don't know how to break the pattern, but i think asking j out was a really good idea. regardless of what happens. a break in the cycle, ya know.

now, i'm just really, really insecure about this new figure on the horizon and her intentions/desires/wishes... she's phenomenal - does great work, really dedicated and motivated, smart as hell... and we have repeatedly run into one another and seem to have similar interests... and now all of my little insecurities are popping up - like bad acne on prom night. insecurities like: she's not really interested... blah blah blah blah... whatthefuckever.

ya know, it really doesn't matter if she's not interested. i mean, i feel like there's a vibe there, for sure, but whatever happens, happens. like whoa on the character defects, there buddy...

*feeling immensely insecure*

Current Mood: congested & allergic.
Current Music: "whateva bitch" in my head