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11 April 2005 @ 09:49 pm
*sigh* at-work crush, j... *sigh* x 1000... i saw her tonight. she's doing shitty. trish, a friend, said that she and erin might have gotten back together... i'm not sure, but i know that when j was talking w/ her sponsor she was saying how she's not happy right now.

i'm fucked. she's not ready yet. i'm sure she wants to hang out, but its just not time, i guess. i asked her out to coffee tonight and she said she had to go home. i know its cos she's got a lot on her mind, but still... i'm trying to let go. abundance. and i've got everything that i need. she's so hot and cold right now. i mean, unmistakable flirting contrasted with absence...

maybe the lesson here is all about emotionally unavailable people. maybe that's been the lesson for the last year. next time we hang out and really get to talking, i'm going to make a "gamut move" (i.e. put it on the line) and tell her my intentions in a forthright manner. then, i'll ask her what she thinks and get some feedback and an idea of where she's coming from, what her intentions are...

i'm tired of playing, man... it's been over 365 days... that's enough. but at the same time, that would be putting her on the spot, just to make my own burdens lighter. that's not fair. so... the solution is to turn it over and know that all is just precisely how it should be... the time will come for the next step, just as the time came for me to ask her out... and she did say that she'd like to hang out... i don't understand this woman whatsoever and that's just gonna have to be ok.