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25 February 2005 @ 10:44 pm
names and meanings.... variations of the same sounding name meaning so many things:

Dilan: French, "like a lion"
Dillon: Celtic, "faithful"
Dillan: Welsh, "faithful"
Dillen: French, "like a lion"
Dilon: Irish, "loyal"
Dylan: Welsh, "sea"
Dyllon: Irish, "loyal"
Dyllan: Irish, "loyal"

hmm.... sitting in that in-between place, where, like a curse, the only truth is the absence of truth that a friend so beautifully created in black and white graphics damn near a decade ago, saying, "there is no black or white. only shades of gray."

i'm almost ready to just buckle down again. i dunno, i feel so far-flung and spread so damned thin that i don't even know where i am, half of the time anymore.

the only times when i'm really happy are when i'm:
. running/jogging/working out
. lost in reading something
. lost in writing something
. lost in studying shit that happened years ago
. with my family
. sleeping
. with other transfolk or people who _see_ me

i'm in such a weird spot, again... i told one buddy last night, "i haven't ever felt this bad before." s/he said, "what about when you were leaving Pam? what about after your friend committed suicide?" i said, "no. not like this. not on a day-to-day level."

then tonight, a woman who really _sees_ me, i mean, really, really sees me, said, "you look good. really good. and you feel good too," making a flowing arm gesture to imply that, energy-wise, i felt good. the difference is, being in abundance. aaaahhhh.....

i'm taking a road-trip soon. just me, myself, and i (well, i'm sure eileen and ebert will be driving)... i've got some business to take care of in western NC...

(the fag breaks out in theatrical tune, "something's coming, something new...") you know when you just feel so damned stuck that you know you're really just metaphysically in slow-motion, like a roller coaster inching up toward the crest of that first big drop...