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16 February 2005 @ 01:13 am
i think i will rip my ears off and send them to the next person who asks me about my gender. i picked a name that i like, but then tonight when introducing myself to a bunch of really great folks from the pride alliance, i felt more disconnected from it than from the "ley" (like leeeeeee with a long eeeeee sound) that i have been going by. and then i talked to a transwoman from the pride group about forming a trans splinter group cos there are a number of us, now on campus, but she was very implicit on it being trans with intent to physically transition and i'm skeered. i mean, i've been digesting this consciously for about 5 years, subconsciously forever... but to immediately hop into transitioning is scary. scary. scary. imagine the worst thriller film and multiply that times a thousand then raise it to the power of an extended family of 22... aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.....

like my friend, claire, said (in a rough paraphrase), 'one of these days we're all gonna have to stop playing the martyr.'

like this woman, karen, said, 'i'm tired of trying to make my family happy. i've been trying to do that for over thirty years and, guess what? i'm not happy. AND they're not happy... and it's not my fault. i can't make them happy and i cannot, really, make them unhappy. that is up to them. i am tired of sacrificing myself in trying to make everyone else happy, especially cos it doesn't even work.'

this would all be so much simpler to think about if only there was a safe place for me to piss in public. it's hard to think on a full bladder.... no really, that was half in-jest and half serious... who the hell can think about school shit when constantly subjected to the critical eye of the gender police. not this boy. sorry.

then the alternative that i opted for tonight was to disappear into schoolwork. like the basically neutered monks of the dark ages, i can sit alone in a room staring at text and be neither gendered nor sexualized. yeah. right.
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: song in my head, "What a Beautiful Mess" by Diamond Rio