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25 January 2005 @ 11:23 pm
had a long conversation in fits and starts with one of my oldest friends tonight. we always seem to grow in the same direction and tonight was no different. we talked about gender(ing).

i feel like my insides are some sort of balloon being filled to exceeding capacity, well, i feel like the walls of that balloon. stretched, tighter and tighter. not like the bursting is inevitable, in fact, this feeling isn't about the impending burst, its about the stretched skin feeling. and the increased pressure (pounds per square inch) that i'm feeling relative to gender.

talking with people about things makes them real. having people in the Leather community ask me which pronoun i prefer. that makes it real. having little kids ask me whether i'm a boy or a girl. makes it real. dysphoria with my (fe)male body makes it real. that feeling like i want to run and cry and hide and scream, kick, fight when someone calls me a "girl" or "woman" makes it real. the trans folks i meet that i feel some sort of kindred connection with. well, they make it real.

most of all, feeling someone desire me in a female body and noting the immediate eruption of discomfort that causes in my psyche. that makes it real.

and i come home, hoping to escape in reading for school. and, thanks to E&E, the chapter i'm supposed to read next is: "Gender Nonconformity"... obviously, there is nowhere to hide any longer. and, apparently, E&E think i have the resources to deal with a little bit of this now.

i'm not so sure i agree.

Current Mood: all kinds of fucked up.